OHHHH how I wish !!!!

Would you like to change your life ?

Perhaps by ways of an offering ….sent to you in the shape of a little rest from your daily slog …

ohhhh how I wish !!!!

Have you been day dreaming today ??? Perhaps holiday planning…. you’ve been wanting to go there like forever…. right !!!

Ohhhh how I wish !!!!

Or that house down the road ….You’ve always wanted to live there …its so …chocolate box …right !!!!

Ohhhh how I wish !!!!

Or how about planning for that  retirement ….

For me it sounded like this

” how am I ever going to get to retirement age and draw my state pension alive “…

LOL …….

This last year found me fretting ….

I’d been checking out my pension contributions  watching the forever changing countdown stretching me on to the ‘ripe ole age’ of  67 …

It was clearly stating 67 ,taunting me whenever I logged on to my  government gateway !!!

I’d be dead by then…..I was pretty sure of that ….

I always ran 100 miles an hour darting from place to place, never very present in the moment …..

I was knackered as I fell into bed every night and I was up at the crack of dawn to start all over again  that happened every bloomin day …..

“Same ” I hear you say ….

“Thats me ” I hear you cry !!!!

We climb into bed every night and we wake up every morning …we climb out of bed in our usual manner and we go about our daily business every single bloody day .

If we are lucky the weekends are set aside to do fun stuff….

I’d got the hang of that ,thats for sure…

But to be honest it was a frenzied 48 hours and I set to task doing as many fun things as I could because….

wait for it …..

I had conquered panic attacks ….

Clever me hey !!!

Chuffed as nuts with myself was me 🙂 …

I was hiking the jurassic coast path… I was paddle boarding …I was canoeing….socialising with friends… connecting with old friends …. organising reunions with our school year …..2014 15 and 16 was filled with fun and laughter …..

When I was at my worst the panic  came about when I least expected it… It  appeared unannounced taking over my entire body in a big mad whoosh …

I behaved like a deranged donkey kicking out ,throwing myself around trying to escape supermarkets, bright lights, loud music, hot rooms , queues of traffic ….confrontation ,smelly toilets ….

god it was a living nightmare …..

pins and needles …

creeping in my face

hot flushes ….

a crushing in my chest like a tight hug ….

I was slowly going insane …..

but I popped the tablets batting the sensations as hard as a could from here to somewhere like timbucktoo !!…….

I was a confident girlie …what on earth was going on ?….The doctor said I needed counselling for a distressed childhood…..

I had panic attacks , I had acute anxiety ….

when these panic attacks came I popped beta blockers or reached for the diazapam …it was all prescribed meds from my doctor to help me …..

One day about 10 years into this spiralling confusing and ever suppressive cycle of love myself ,hate myself , I knew things had to change or I’d risk losing myself completely in fear …

My life would be snuffed out through the fear of living itself……

So my only prescription became a fortnightly meditation session along with a handful of mindfullness and bags of quality time with lovely people who nourished and fed my soul until I  learnt to fly high …I was able to grow …..

2 years into a fairly normal life style and the panic behind me (well all the sensations ever present but my head space controlled) I found myself logging all the fun things I was doing ….I was taking photos…..photo bombing, selfie taking ….facebook updating everything I was up too ….

The ‘look how much I’ve grown ‘ever present as the yearly memories popped up on FB showing me what I’d been up too ….

Thank god I did that ,however pissed off people were with me as I shot my phone in their direction…..

All these images I was busy uploading onto Tesco photobook app …. I was busy creating beautiful books for me to thumb through….  They were tangible pieces of art …

little did I know how precious these would become in the months that followed 10th march 2017…

I woke that day feeling slightly peculiar  …

We’ve all experienced that feeling …. that feeling when you  know something isn’t right but you can’t put your finger on it …..

An over cautious doctor in my opinion was sending me to The accident and emergency unit …

I was led away with my arse hanging out of the back of my hospital gown ,unsure as to what the hell was written on the letter that the surgery had put inside a white envelope with carefully explained instructions that went something like  “please get to the hospital as quickly as possible and hand it over at the A & E reception you will be taking by a relative won’t you ? or shall we call an ambulance ?”…

“You are on your way to the CT scanner “the acute admissions nurse said to me as I looked to her for reassurance…

I’d left Chris my hubby at the double doors with him grinning at me …

He, in a sick warped ,way loves anything hospital … He’s watched them stitch his thumb back into place after he cut it nearly clean off prising apart 2 frozen chicken breasts ,the daft fool !!

Giggling with my hubby behind a blue curtain whilst we were waiting  for the results of the CT scan now feels really quite immature of us… We were only trying to lighten the mood …

Chris had talked me into believing I was ok …. Dinner was still in the oven and my teenage kids were waiting for us to return home….We really didn’t think it was a big thing …

It’s funny…. the sensation of drunkenness,  the odd words and sporadic conversation that has started to leave my lips ….was starting to ring alarm bells

Then I found my head spinning .

The eye tests they are doing from the end of the bed sent me into a blind panic as my vision  started to drag….

The nurse wasn’t making sense …..

Chris is looking at me like a scared rabbit in headlights ……. He is rubbing the bottom of my leg in what should have been a reassuring manner ,yet he is crying now ….he is rubbing my leg so hard it is starting to hurt me …..

10 days later I left the hospital unable to walk properly ….

I was wheel chair bound because it took every  part of my being to send the messages from my brain past the blocks /lesions in my brain  and around a different nerve path….. Those messages took forever to reach my foot and sometimes never got there …

Drop foot was the most bloody annoying thing ever …

Drag plop ….Drag plop ….went my slipper on the hospital ward ……….

So taking baby steps took every ounce of energy and I wanted to preserve what little energy I had to do something to feed my soul  …So Chris offloaded me onto bournemouth beach wrapped in warm blankets so I could take in the tumbling waves and to taste  the salty winds as they hit my face…….

This was the first place I begged to go on discharge ….

MS had engulfed my being ….

Ms was having a bloody good go at smothering my soul ….

but  because this is happening to me I  get to sit ever present in every day that I wake feeling semi normal …

I’m ever-present when I feel every odd sensation that MS throws into this very changing  complicated sensory mix …..

I’m ever present as my speech comes out muddled up and back to front, people hanging in there waiting for me to correct myself  as the blipping passes and I find the correct wording  usually finishing in a chuckle because I just sound so bloody funny ….

I only wanted to slow my life down a little bit ….

Ohhh how I wish I hadn’t wished so hard now !!!!

but this story has a sunny side …..because I’m more alive now than I was over a year ago even though I thought I was living ……….

#MS #motivation #nhs #mswarrior

dandelion nature sunlight
Photo by Nita on Pexels.com


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1 thought on “OHHHH how I wish !!!!

  1. So much love for you x


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