Be strong …..

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Holey moley you guys …what on earth is life doing to us hey ?? ….The ups and downs can be totally insane …The twists and turns and turbulent moments can be mind blowing …..and when we come to rest it may well only be for such a short time before we are caught up in the next “thing ” ……

Life is a roller coaster and one I have said before …”we can’t  ever seem to get off of ” !!!! …

I did say ‘please’  when I asked if i could get off !!! …

I said it really nicely (my parents taught me good manners) but that didn’t make a blind bit of difference…

The ride just kept going….

I said my prayers in fact I begged God to give me a break …. but life was taking me on a journey and the universe had other plans for me…I was picked up by the scruff of my neck after being thrown around in the turmoil of life to sit quietly and patiently both of which I am totally crap at !!!

I’m still not sure what path I am stumbling along …It doesn’t feel a very pleasant path at times but I am on it until I reach some crossroads and then there will ultimately be choices I have to make !!!…

I have so much to say and so much to share with you and sometimes I garble on but to may have some depth to it …it may hit a nerve or my words might give you a boost to push forward yourself …

I know people say I’m inspirational or I’m brave, but actually when you are in the shit you actually have no choice …well you could curl up and die …but `i have no intention of doing that just yet lol !!!!

I do know that have to STAY STRONG  or it all becomes totally engulfing …..

Nobody would ever choose to walk in the shoes of someone struggling …..we all want the good life ….but what is that ??

Perception  plays a huge role in our thoughts ….

How do you see your journey so far …

Are you walking in misery with the odd glimmer of happiness or are you walking in happiness with the odd bit of misery  those moments  presenting themselves to give us opportunities of growth  ……

I was chatting with my husband and he has admitted that he would never want what I have ….

I try to see life with happiness and the odd bit of misery sometimes laid on thicker than I think I can handle but I STAY STRONG and i get through …..

So….lets start with some questions ….

whats moving through me ??….and whats spurring me on ??

let me ask you the same question …..

Whats moving through you ??… and what spurs you on ??

We all have a story …I was told we all have a book inside us ….

Dig a bit deeper than the surface of your heart  if you are ready to heal and follow your intuition ….There really is no reason to hide in dark places  ….You can spend time hoping someone will reach out and hold your hand but you can actually do this in your own …

Don’t get me wrong, to have a tribe of people around you that gives you strength and love is important but you need to have faith in your own ability to change first otherwise you can drain others around you however much they love you …..

Someone I was talking to last week said to me “who won’t let me down ? Well that will be be” !!! He had a surprised tone in his voice like he had an epiphany…..and that is how you start building yourself up ….

We all have the power to heal even if you feel you don’t or can’t …..How many times in your life can you remember an Epiphany moment …..I think Ive had about 5 and each time I build on that moment …..

I want to be super honest with you and try my hardest to show you how I get through each day, but I need to dip into some of my past life journey to demonstrate how to BE STRONG and more currently my MS journey …. I’m not writing for sympathy either by the way …. It is what it is and I’ve learnt valuable lessons from all the experiences …..

So with a deep breath let me take you on a journey …..

In any given situation you can ask a handful of questions to a friend or work colleague or family member even a complete stranger and you will get a fairly good idea of how someone else is feeling by their answers but they have to be honest …

Normally “How are you” is a good starting point but most of us lie and sometimes for good reason …..it the way we think we are  protect ing ourselves….

“oh I’m fine thanks “….

and then the diversion technique kicks in …

“how are you doing you look great “!!!

Get my point ….

So I will ask you these questions …(write them down if you fancy doing some work on yourself )…

Are you on an intense journey ??

I am …guess you know that already from knowing me personally or  by my previous blogs ….

Are you fearful  ?? …

I am ….Guess you know that too …

I mean….The rug was whipped out from under my bloody feet … and I fell hard …… but I guess you’ve probably experienced that too at some point in your life …

Are you happy ?? …

I am … you know what I get up too to keep my emotional pot topped up …my life is lived in small manageable chunks as I can’t snow ball through life as I was before…..

God I was a lune ,desperately living to the maximum, grabbing experiences and logging them (maybe a sixth sense kicked in spurring me on .because I knew something was going to happen to me )…

so  I had set about doing things to feed my soul and making my life worth living was one of my top priorities and still is but  I do it gently now to reserve my spoons (check out the spoon theory if you suffer with a chronic disease that zaps your energy levels )

Or you in a sad place ??….

I am ….I am lady on a journey of intense uncertainty …Multiple sclerosis is a bloody awful and totally unpredictable disease and it makes me very very sad …..

I’m following my heart ….. but its damn right confusing and  its still very early days …..but what I do know is that I feel battered….thats what my heart really feels ….

I never have a great day …If I ever say  I am having a great day  to you then I am bloody lying !!!

But I do have a few good days bar a bit of pain ( which I am learning to handle )and plenty of challenges that with the right support mentally and physically I am dealing with …..

it beats being 6 foot under  doesn’t it …I mean that is game over right …. I want to take you back to the Saturday morning where I had spent a very disturbing night in our local hospital …..

God only knows the pain and heartache Chris and I experienced back in march 2017 whilst working out what on earth had caused me to forget words that started with F …Well apart from fuck followed by  sorry !! (sorry because I said it too many times infront of the doctors I didn’t know any other words at all beginning with F………..

I couldn’t draw a square….

42 years old and I couldn’t draw a square… The ‘head fuck’ moment was knowing I should be able to do it …..

mine had about 7 sides …

Oh and drawing a clock face … 12 digits right … in a circle with hands in the middle of the clock face ….

1 to 12 ….

nope ….completely not there in my brain …..

hmmmmm that was interesting…

why couldn’t I draw one of those …

I could tell them time yesterday morning …….

I was working a clientele in my hair salon (with a few oddities sensation wise )and at  2 pm I closed the doors to do the school run and by 5pm I was in the acute admissions ward heading for that CT scanner ……

Those were some of the tests run in the stroke ward that I had been admitted to ……

I was 42 …

What the fuck was going on … those were the words that ran through my head continuously and still do to be honest …

WTF……..maybe thats why I can’t stop myself using the F word …it slips out way to often…some scowl at me and some laugh along with me …

I can’t help it …..so I’m sorry if it offends ….

Since then I’ve got a little bit of a grip on my new me ….but only just …..

and this is how I do it ….

I spend my days looking for inspiration ….any how and anywhere …even talking to complete strangers about random things can teach you so much ….

I find inspiration in music …

The beating of a drum… my  heart beat is  rhythm ….

Music is a medicine to me …it lifts my spirit and connects me to life ….

I find inspiration by  any waters edge I find my self sat by  …

You see water never stops flowing ….

It never settles ….

A tiny trickle from a spring soon rushes over weirs with so much power and then sits still  for a while warming in the calmer waters…

it is taking stock before it starts the next part of its journey toward the big wide sea…

A long long journey where its journey is unpredictable yet it carries life within it ….water is life itself….(I wrote a poem about this a while back and I think I should put that on here too )

I find inspiration in bird song …They sing as the sunrises and they sing when the sun sets with so much joy in their song there is a never a day that passes where bird song isn’t heard …. it lifts my spirit and connects me with life…..

I find inspiration in the budded flower .. even if we fail to tend to our gardens they still pop up year after year …and when they  burst  open to show us its beauty it brings  colour and joy to all who stand a while and look …

many of us miss the changing seasons ….

stop for a moment and look around …

I promise you ,you will be rewarded ….my instagram are images that I see that catch my eye and fill me with happiness or awe …check me out under the kword.life

nature connects me with life …

Inspiration really is all around us ….open your eyes and see for yourself …..

when I am present…when I take time to just be  I can feel my heart beat … and if I close my eyes I can feel extremely grounded …

I feel present ……

I find that sense of emotion bubbling up inside me ….and I know then what I need to do, be, say or think about in that given day ….

Fear always sits within those emotions….

Its a nasty emotion I think, but it is there to protect us …

It’s a natural sense that I know got at one stage very confused in my head ….

I was running from everything  and anyone  …even myself ….

I fear death …but we are all born to die so what was I actually afraid of ??

In the middle of being born and dying is something called living …

we are supposed to live …

But what is living?? …

We all have a preconceived idea or we all have expectations some big and some small  ….

They were set by god knows who or god knows when  …

but they challenge us and normally finish with resentment failure or sadness …

I know my bench marks, expectation, whatever name you want to put to it was always to bloody high…

I had failed before I had even tried most of the time …

I was living with a story of sadness and pain for a good chunk of my younger years …and it scarred me …

It set a behaviour cycle I simply couldn’t break ….

And as an adult I was scared that if I was made to face or challenge those fears and  was given the tools to sort out my shit, I would crack up …fall apart ….break down …..

To open up my heart even if that meant getting into some very deep shit had to be done and all at the perfect time and in the perfect sequence timed in with future events I was unable to see…we all have more to learn from this life we are living and we need to BE STRONG 

I couldn’t hide anymore from myself …I was full to the brim with heartache and failure and I was tired of feeling so broken …

I wanted peace …

I just wanted peace ….

what was I going to lose facing my fears ?? …

I was dead spiritually anyway so what was there to lose ?? …..

So I set about unravelling the pain and despair ….

layer by layer…

week by week I challenged myself and my inner demons …I had to BE STRONG ….

My inner child sat within me ..I found her so very often deep in my meditation.

She came to me time after time ……funny because I was sat in a corner afraid to face the little me some days and other days the role reversed ….

we had lost each other …My childhood stolen from me through death …..

I learnt a lot from going back within my own heartspace ……

When I was born I was naked and pure … I took my first breathe, I was born out of love….

I gazed at the world eager to learn …eager to live …eager to be great …eager to be loved and eager to give love back…..

and then my world turned upside down….

I was only 10 years old ……

I felt pain like never before and it left a huge hole that sat in my heart …

I cried enough tears through my teens to fill a river….I hurt myself trying to cut away the pain my legs my arms my throat ….I played with traffic (if you know what I mean ) I was such a drain on people…. .I was the cause of endless arguments ………I hated myself because I was the problem and it wasn’t even my fault …..

My tears fell  from me every single day …sometimes in public but mostly behind closed doors. I had a youth club leader Mike who supported me ….

I had Chris who at the time was my best friend …I had a few close friends Jo in particular where I escaped to her home to be loved and supported by her and her Mum  their was a few teachers who knew my story  because I was so fragile at times at school  and I had my boss Denise who was priceless in rebuilding my broken soul ….

I stopped turning to my Mum’s family as they were dealing with their own grief and to be honest there was an element of being a teen mixed into my grief so I wasn’t very approachable anyway …..

I would sob so hard some days that I thought my heart had actually broken ….I cried at night whilst gazing at the moon …The moon knew everything ….

Did people see my pain ??…

Yes they did ….

but they had their own pain to work through…. We were just the kids me and my sister ….

what did we know about the loss the family had suffered ??

People were only trying to protect us from the pain they felt …

Maybe we were their distraction, perhaps we were a connection to the loved one they had lost….

There was no counselling for us  …it was the 80’s …it wasn’t fashionable ….I think to now and how wonderful the world has become at offering services but do people know they can ask for help ?? ….most probably not …..

Fashionable or not if you need help then a lot of the techniques I have used to heal have really helped…..

Death is something I feared for a very long time …Probably up to the 7pm ish time slot on the 10th march 2017 when they suspected a tumour …..I think I almost stared death in the face … well in my mind I was …..

I had no choice but to BE STRONG …..

I saw what damage death did to my family ….I could see the damage it could do all over again ….

I saw my father crumple …I should never have seen a grown man cry the way he did …his sobs heard throughout the house in the small hours as he listened to records …his only escape back to his wife …Our mummy …..

I felt my grandparents pain at the loss of their daughter …

I saw people do their best for me and my sister because they felt they owed it to my dear mum ……

Close family members had their own grief to deal with and the family friends (of which there were many )did there best to help us all in anyway they could …..

I saw such sadness amongst so many people….

I was drowning …They were drowning …

Shock rippled through our community …The story of my mum’s illness was followed by the local press….

But my mum died and left me and thats all I could think about for about 30 years …

She left me and I never got to say goodbye…….and I needed to say goodbye to her….. I didn’t want this to repeat itself ….

I wasn’t going to die …I wasn’t ready …..I needed to BE STRONG….. 

As a child I had hit a time in my life too many years too soon…. An adult never knows how to deal with death and a child more so I believe…..

I got terribly lost through my teens …The journey was lonely and I was very unhappy …. …

I clung onto the fact that I was eager to create a family of my own …..I was eager to love them and I was eager for them to love me back ….I way to express STRENGTH ….

I was graced with a loving partner at 15 years old and we married at 18 ….

We are inseparable Chris and I …he is undoubtably my best friend ,my lover and sadly has a label of carer too many years to soon …we were supposed to care for each other in our old years …..

He is my everything …..and I am full of gratitude for such a friend and soul mate ….(my emotions on days shattered that I feel he deserves to be set free from what may well  be coming) ……

So to take another blow even though it effected more than just me when the doctors told me I had a large acute lesion in my brain was such a shock …

But I tell you now If I hadn’t have done so much work on letting go of past pain I would have been in a terrible state now….I knew how to BE STRONG …..

Do you know how to be strong ??…

Have you chosen to hide and hope it all goes away or have you faced your emotions tied to trauma sadness or grief and can proudly say I STAND STRONG without malice and without judgement and  I fully understand my past and can move forward with the lessons I have learnt into a peaceful existence from now on ???……

I am getting there and each time something else rocks my boat and  I start to question a little again ……

it takes real strength to stay on track ……TO BE STRONG ……..but I will keep pushing forward and so can you ….

Choose strength and start to grow ……

lots of love Kirsten xxx

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1 thought on “Be strong …..

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