Sat here bolt upright wide awake in the warmth of my bed I am listening to my husband’s breathe slow and steady…. The rise and fall of his chest creating rhythm that hypnotizes me ….My thoughts in a matter of minutes are all over the place this morning ….I remember the last half an hour of yesterday before I fell into bed exhausted from fear, yet desparate to be asleep before the pesky uncomfortable side effects kick in from Avonex (my new weekly dose to try and slow down disabling affects of Multiple Sclerosis) …..
8/8/18 …. A really lovely day spent with a dear friend and a trip to the circus with some of my gorgeous camping family and I finished it with me crying …
My husband was towering over me at 9.45pm (not bad because when I am stood up I am in fact 2 and half inches taller than him lol ) He was telling me to just press the button…. frustration etched into his face …
A tone in his voice I didnt like….
He was losing patience as I shook and wailed …(what a baby )!!!
A new injection straight into my leg muscle !!!!
OOOHHHHHHH …..I felt sick with anticipation ….the sub cut injection I was doing fortnightly prior to this change excited and confused my nervous system ….it hurt felt like a burning my nerves sat waiting to fuck with my messages …i felt like I was on fire from the inside out …so really anything was going to better right ??? !!!!
Could I trust that this longer needle going into muscle wouldn’t hurt as much as my previous injection ?… They told me it wouldn’t , but have they done it to themselves ??….
no they haven’t …
and they aren’t me …wimpy little old me !!!….
I never signed up for this ….
I wanted to get old disgracefully, which I guess I can still do just not on my terms anymore MS has made sure of that ….
We all have a fear of the unknown don’t we…. we are all only human after all….
I spent years using CBT tools to curb anxiety as panic attacks ruled my life so I eventually could :-
step out when and if I felt comfortable …and I didn’t push myself to hard and I learnt to be kind to myself ….
Last night I wasn’t being childish or pathetic even though I have joked above that I wailed like a baby …..
Unfortunately a geniune fear had kicked in as I sat on the sofa with my leg prept a pair of clean hands and the loaded injection pen placed against my skin ….
“Don’t you fucking touch me ” I hissed at him as he reached towards me to take over …I can confidently say this morning that that comment was called for but completely over exaggerated considering I was ‘only injecting ‘!!!
He left the room with the words:-
“You either do it or you put it back in the kitchen we are not sitting here all night ”
So black and white is our Chris and sometimes quite helpful and other times not bloody helpful at all well not until I gain perspective all by myself …..
I knew he was sad …upset… cross…
Not with me but with ‘this’ …with the situation that seemed to be the new norm for us ….
and it is quite frankly bloody crap ….
So I sat there breathing …. 1 2 3 4 5 in 1 2 3 4 5 out… 6 in 6 out… 7 in 7 out …
My beautiful jackson (our black cocker) sat with his head up against me looking up with concern and love in his eyes his paw lifted waiting for me to give him some attention well thats the normal stance when he wants something, yet he genuinely looked like he felt my pain and he wanted to help me …..
So as one huge domineering thought was crashing about in my headspace I sat there with thought tosing a meek and mild and suddenly very alone me about in the sinking ship inside my head…..
“Pain and fear versus pain and fear ??….win win or lose lose ?? “…..
what would you do would you inject …I mean it isn’t going to cure me ?? …..
I shouted at myself in my own head space as the snot got thick in my nose and my vision blurred through tears with a head now pounding with pressure ….
“Get a bloody grip” ….
In a whirl of emotion and a desperate panic about me to find the courage I did it …
I pressed the big blue button and it triggered the needle ….
It stung a bit….
It bled a bit…
I cried a bit…
but it wasn’t as bad as the thoughts I had created …
Slowely I am aware that the lighting in my bedroom is changing ….
In the dim lighting I wonder what today will hold …..
My leg feels sore and I feel a bit shivery with aching joints but that the drug doing its job …..
body scan done …..
hmmmm I can cope today ….
I hear the world waking …
A random seagull flies overhead …it’s short sharp throat gurgling shrill draws my attention to the time ….its 5.22am ….
hmmmm can’t hear any morning chorus …where are all the other birds ??….
When I lived by the common that’s the first thing I heard ….
I miss the beautiful morning chorus ….
I know ….We are going camping in a few weeks time so I will be in amongst nature again … I will hear them then …. I will make sure I hear them … It one of my nice things …bird song helps me top up that emotional pot ….
peace fills my head with that thought as I sit up bit and plump the pillow behind me …..
Chris is stirring and it is really time I checked on Tom (our 16 year old lad who this week stared his apprenticeship )….
life goes on 🙂 🙂 ….
PING PING PING heads getting busier ……
I heave my body up off the pillow …..And off we go …
A million thoughts start as my day begins ……half of them today will be a waste of head space ….a few will be important but lost along the way …and some will come and go because that is what the human brain does …..
but one thought I hang onto today as it pings into my mind as I type ….
I am Grateful for my life and I am grateful to be blessed with today …..
lots of love Kirsten xxx