How to mend your broken wings…

                Broken-Wings-6                                           What the F*** is life all about hey …

 Do you ever look back and ponder on your life journey ….have you  forgotten how far you have actually come  ??…

You were a tiny baby once …a babe in arms …

pure innocent and  loved by all……you were one of life’s blessing’s….. 

You didn’t know anything about this human world and all that life had on offer for you to experience (the good and the bad )…

So can you learn from your past experiences and embrace the lessons (however spine chilling or disappointing or painful they were) at face value ??….

I could….

and then well I couldn’t …

I played chicken with myself sizing up the problems charging at them one by one and then pulling way at the last minute losing my nerve to face the demons and put myself out of misery ….

learnt behaviour pattens ???

Maybe ……

But I know I was walking through thick fog ….deluded by fear ,unkind words and behaviours of others …

We’ve all been there at some point …. and you wouldn’t be human if you hadn’t …

So how did I go from a scared ,lost soul to a big brave ‘whatnot” and back to a timid weak broken being who couldn’t find her fighting spirit anymore……

It went something like this ……

I’ve always been a hard working woman juggling many balls as we woman do …working full time, cooking, cleaning and parenting.

 I’m probably rather stupid because I try and do everything, when in fact we (Hubby and I )are a team and I know all I need to do is ask and I would get help.

A 21stcentury woman is meant to keep a house, raise a family and work full time ….we are bloody stupid I think because it simply isn’t possible without burning ourselves out right ??? show me a woman who can and I will eat my hat !!!….

I took on the apprentice role on in July 1991 once I had sat and sadly failed most of my GCSE’s, but that didn’t really matter. Back in those days’ apprenticeships were plentiful and a lot of our generation had a strong urge to get out of school and earn money.

 I was a practical girl hating every hour I was studying,  school was a waste of time ….

I useless at most subjects…..

but talking well….

If they did a GCSE in communication skills I’d pass with flying colours …..

I knew I’d bagged myself a position as a junior literally through hard work and enthusiasm working Saturdays so thankfully it didn’t matter to me if I passed or failed.

 I loved everything about hairdressing but one thing I loved the most was the hugs from the clients.

They knew I was vulnerable.

They knew my story.

They had watched me grow up and saw my  broken wings heal over the time… 

I  felt I had been pushed from the nest …. (hypothetically speaking)

The clients and staff  all wanted to support and help… and they all did in their own special ways….

But there was one hug I especially looked forward to in the morning  and that was a hug from Denise’s mum Betty….

Betty always had my back…. I used to get a hard time from some of the staff  as I was the youngest so she was my comfort blanket of sorts …

A voice of reason…A voice of calm ….

 She cared so much for me and I remember one particular day when I was immense pain whilst carrying my first baby that she insisted on taking me to A and E  and making the senior staff get on with their own shampooing!!!

what I shock they all got when I swanned out of the salon door with Betty by my side…..

she was always so supportive.

 I felt that I was loved.

I felt I belonged.

I felt I was useful I was never in anyone’s way ….

 I was always so eager to please and eager to learn.

 I found I was pretty good at being a hairdresser …

I had a natural talent.

Each stylist had a different technique so I had an amazing opportunity to absorb all the knowledge and skills on offer.

 I was 14 when I started working for Denise and a month off turning 22 I left to have my first baby.

That’s 8 years !!!

This was the only job I ever had working for someone else. I’d grown up under the wings of a wonderful lady and her dear mum. I was confident enough to fly her nest a fully-fledged hairdresser and start my own mobile round so I could raise my daughter and work around my commitment to motherhood.

Weirdly though looking back ,I never once questioned my ability to succeed…

 I never thought I couldn’t and I never believed I would fail…..

My kids ask me how I did it …I always say I had faith in my ability ….my confidence built up because Denise had faith in me ….

Developing a firm belief in myself was key to the confident young lady I had become ….

 I was a different person to the girl Denise had first taken on.

 This lady was to play a massive part in building my confidence and mending my broken wings.

 She was to lift my spirit and give me self-worth….

She comforted and supported …

she loved me as if I were one of her own ….

I was a very lucky girl to have been welcomed into a wonderful supportive  and encouraging environment……

The most wonderful gift  I was ever given was my scissors along with my college kit.

I spent hours etching my name onto the brushes and dobbing pink nail polish onto all my rollers and then there was my dear faithful friend Connie. ……

She was the most tolerant client ever!!

She had the most horrendous blue eyeshadow and soft slippery hair …

she never spoke or complained at the amount of hours I spent rollering weaving and finger waving her hair …

Thank god she didn’t talk or I think I would have s*** myself ….

She was my faithful mannequin head.

I reckon she would have slapped me hard if she could considering I used to stick her head in between my knees and vigorously brush copious amounts of knots from her hair…oh and the tangled rollers ….Poor poor Connie !!!

It wasn’t the best customer service I ever gave out!!

 To anyone who knows me really well, I think they might  say I’m the one with wise words (though I’m never sure where they come from), a huge heart and a passion to live everyday as if it were my last …. and boy I know I encouraging everyone else to do the same!!!

 However, it wasn’t always like that…

Far from it ….

I forgot I could …you know I kind of forgot that I had worth and I was kind and I had  once upon a time had fight in me …

Somehow it feels like those years are untouchable ….millions of light years away  ….. I hardly recognised myself  through my 30’s and into my 40’s…..

Life threw some really crappy experiences at me, well at us …me Chris and the kiddies …and it was feeling like it was pretty much constant at times….we couldn’t breathe …it was all a bit much …..

I allowed horrid thoughts to persistently nag quietly in the background making me believe that  I was sinking ….

So CBT ,counselling and drugs to numb the thoughts took over ….the professionals worked their magic ……

But it wasn’t the right thing …

They weren’t looking at the bigger picture…..but maybe nor was I …

They were looking at my past and reasoning as to why I was having a break down… …heart palpitations …. shortness of breathe …pins and needles ….dizzy spells …..vertigo ….numbness ….swallowing issues ….unusual sensory issues….

I had had enough of doctors and pills …..I was fed up of CBT and them wanting me to lay the blame at the feet of those who upset my childhood…I was done with blaming people ……

I stopped listening ….because I knew it wasn’t healthy …

I was in charge of me….. I had to be charge of me and my thoughts …..

and You are in charge of your own thought patterns …….

Do you know that you think approximately 70/90’000 thoughts a day …..and 90% of those thoughts are the same thoughts swimming round and round in your head …..

God the damage they can do …..

How the brain thinks its bloody mind blowing really ….

Blew my mind lol …

Its (my brain ) sprinkled in glitter now (my MS lesions…  for those who don’t know thats how I choose to see them !!!)

I know for sure more than ever now that I am actually stronger than I give myself credit for….Look at  what I’m fighting on a day to day basis …

I’m an MS warrior ….

I battle daily to stay sane because Ms is doing a bloody good job of  F*** ing my body up …..

I thought I just had life’s scars to bare and deal with … but this is a whole lot worse …..Its engulfing, its unforgiving and its scary …..

BUT …..weirdly …..with all the hardship and pain and sad sad suffering  I have found an overwhelming, all-encompassing, strong ability to see the good in everything that is thrown at me and that nowadays always includes the crappy stuff …

I have to other wise the soul aint gonna grow right ?? !!!!

The important part of any experience is how you let it affect you, how you choose to deal with it and embracing what you have learnt from it ….

Choosing to grow is probably the best way forward but all in good time ….

Only when you are ready can you spread those broken wings and fly ……

love from Kirsten xxx

thebrokenwings

 

 

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