Glastonbury opens the door ….

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So the next part of my journey took place on a trip to Glastonbury with a group of girls who had invested a lot of their time into shaping my life …

Lerryn and Lucy who you’ve already been introduced to and Chantal …not my sister but a very dear friend from our school days…

We had this mad idea that in our 40thyear we should seek out a retreat ….

Start our 40’s with a spring in our steps ……

So it was my job to seek out a retreat and every month we met to talk and share our current news and to pay our money in to the kitty for the trip ….

None of us had ever done anything like this before and to be honest it didn’t provoke fear into myself …

I was ready to learn how to meditate, breathe and let go…..

I was excited!!

As we pulled onto the car park behind the top of the main high street I called Karen, she would be our guide for the weekend …

I spoke and her instructions were to wait in the car park and she would come to us …

Well I was looking around wondering how I would know who she was while the others were unloading their bags from Lucy’s car boot, when I saw a large solid, wooden gate open .

It was set in a very high, old looking stone wall….

Out strolled a lovely rounded lady in baggy yoga pants and a large cotton smock ….

She was smiling with her hands stretched out to greet us ….

I was instantly attracted to her warm nature …and on stepping through the gate into her walled garden I felt at peace ….

 It was an odd feeling …

The garden was so tranquil, you would never have known the hub bub of the main high street full of wacky characters and hordes of tourists stood beyond the characteristic and historic high street cottage ….

Inside the cottage kitchen was a huge solid oak table draped in a deep purple velvet table cloth. There were beautiful freshly cut garden flowers on the table and a heavy black wrought iron candle chandelier hung from the low ceiling above the center of this table…

There was a heavy high backed church pew under the tiny leaded window forming a long seating area on one side of this table and 6 heavy high backed full armed chairs down the opposite side.

The rest of the cottage was in keeping with its charming character…..

Angel cards were dotted about in bowls and the books available on the bookshelves on both floors were there to be thumbed …

So much knowledge….I had so many questions …

Over a cuppa we talked about the first mediation that we would partake in before bedtime and she talked a little about Joseph of Arimathean and the teachings that the retreat practiced.

Karen read from a passage in a book called The way of love complied by Peter Wheeler. This was because Lerryn had asked the question about where the retreat took its name from.…. Karen wouldn’t have pushed any belief on us …. but she could tell we were all very curious…

We all pulled an angel card …

 mine was BIRTH …..

How interesting …I wasn’t having any babies!!…

I’d had my tubes tied in my 30’s …so I was curious as to what that meant …..

we took to our rooms changed and regrouped to head down the high street for supper….

We had a huge portion of fish and chips with a cheeky glass of wine  …

well it was Friday after all !!

We had found a pub and hoped to be wash dinner down over a coffee, but we were refused as they were too busy …..

This baffled me somewhat, but we decided maybe a chat over bubbles in the retreat in our jimmy jams was a better idea…

We sat in the garden of the retreat watching the clouds change shape as they passed the old high street roof tops and I tried to process how I was feeling ….

We had been chatting before we left for supper about being born in what Karen had made reference to as being the piscine age….

 An age where are world had been in a developing stage …A world where technology was overtaking and we were living in a world of hatred and war ….

 When you think about the last 100 years I found this to be true …

This 100 year cycle has seen 2 enormous world wars on top of endless conflicts, we’ve seen famine and drought, we’ve witnessed terror attacks and the rise of extremist groups  ….

Technology has taken hold of the world …cars, aviation, space…

need I go on? …

I guess you get the picture…

 There is endless conflict in our turbulent world that is for sure.

 You couldn’t argue that fact, you only had to take a look at the news ….The majority of this world’s population are living in fear of what is to become of this hostile world we are living in ….

Karen made reference to the Aquarian age and told us that some say we are in a double 7 …I’d never heard such talk …

Yet I was so intrigued….

 I listened on as she had explained that the spiral of life had turned and that we were on our way back to where light started ….

We were going back to the Om….

Back to where life first started? I couldn’t grasp that at all ….

 Dinosaurs and stuff ??….

Hmmmm my head was full of confusion!!! …..

Well what was all this about …where on earth was this part of my journey going to take me ….

So sat back now in one of the guest bedrooms and a head full of questions We moved on to Lerryn pulling cards for us ….`

I pulled Strength …

confidence was my given gift …

ha-ha yeah right …confident …me ?….!!

I also pulled Let it go !!

 A complete feeling of restedness …I’m finally free…..

The reading continued ….with this message …

Life is not to be suffered. We are here to enjoy ….

what is done is done …

it is finished …

 It is in your past ….DO NOT BE AFRAID ….

So with all that stuff going around in my head I was extremely surprised that I fell to sleep with no hassle …I was out like a light …

I was so excited for Saturday ….

So Saturday came and the hours in guided meditation seemed to fly by….

I can’t believe where my corridor meditation took me …

One door …that was all that was available to me …

Just one door and the one I didn’t want to deal with ….

A big heavy oak door stained in a shiny gloss …

It had a window at an adult’s eye height and it had a big hand drawn isolation sign on it all prettied up…

 I suppose as not to look so daunting to us girlies and any other visitors who may have felt a little uncomfortable with this situation….….

It was a door I didn’t particularly like to look at …

It was the door that separated me from my Mum when she was in isolation when fighting for her life…

In guided meditation We were told to go with the first thing that came to mind …go with it …

Don’t be afraid …

Ohhh shit ….

The door wouldn’t open …

I pushed it hard really hard I felt really anxious and really upset that couldn’t get in …

How Strange though that I could see through the peep window …

  The last time I looked through it I would have climbed up on the telephone chair which I had dragged from the large heavy wallpapered, old smelly visitor’s room…

So why could I see through now ?

Oh I was now in meditation but startled …

I must be grown up ….  

That was strange …. I had realized that I Was present in my past.

Oh no …I didn’t like what I could see …

please don’t take me back there….

I felt sick …

I wanted to cry out loud …

I wanted to sob….

It was me and my sister sitting on the stairs at our house …52 the Grove ….

My dad was breaking “that news” …

 Except it was just like someone was playing it on repeat … over and over again ….

I felt alarmed ,I felt stuck , I wanted to run, but I couldn’t….

All the relatives were there present in the large hallway, but from where I was standing back in the hospital corridor I couldn’t see any of their faces…

I was looking in on such a sorrowful scene, there was so much pain and grief ….

The younger me looked like a rabbit in headlights …I looked stunned and confused …..

My dear sister had run upstairs ….she looked bewildered ….. actually we both looked horrified ….

But how could that be ….

How could I be looking in on this scene….

My head was a mess….

I was aware now that a hand on my leg and a voice was raising my attention bringing back to the room.

I was being pulled out of my meditated state …

I was sobbing out loud … Totally devastated…

I’d crumbled whilst under the influence of Karen’s meditation ….

This meditation had broken me …. I was in pieces…

Lucy was by my side with her hand on my leg and Karen was next to me ….

I was encouraged slightly dazed to share my vision, so through tears I shared my vision ….

Writing this now provokes tears …

There was so much emotion…

Karen explained that a mother’s love runs so deep …She believed that my mum hadn’t wanted to leave us …

She hadn’t wanted to die ….

So what I had been watching through that hospital door was in a sense a scene that no mother would ever want to witness.

 She had passed to spirit yet she was ever present ….

 I was seeing the scene unfold through my mother’s eyes ….

I can’t begin to express how much of a bloody mess I was ….

 OMG I was completed wrecked ….

With the support and guidance of my 3 dear friends and Karen I went back into meditation ….

Karen Took me and my Mum through the heavy oak door and into 52 The Grove …

 I walked with my Mum’s encouragement holding her hand passed my relatives and up to the younger me …

I reached out and took her hand ….

My sister wasn’t there ….

she had run upstairs …

I couldn’t get to her …..

The younger me still looked dazed, stunned, shocked, not with my appearance as I wasn’t present as a 40-year-old Kirsten …. she was shocked with the news that her Dad had just delivered to her …

I reckon I’ve been stuck in this time loop for many years ….

Little kirsten took hold of my hand as I reached out to her and as we turned to walk out towards the corridor all the faces that were looking at little me were full of pity and sadness ….

With Mum by my side we walked out into the corridor where all this visualization had started.

That Saturday morning in Glastonbury changed my life forever …

We were finally re-united ….and at peace ….

The feeling of grief lifted ….

 I saw them walk away together…. Little me and my Mum …..

That Saturday afternoon my friends would find me sat quietly in the ruins of Glastonbury Abbey ….

I needed time …

I needed to process the mornings events …..

I never whole heartedly looked at how damaged I was …..

I never realized how distant my Mum had been from me …..

I suddenly felt her presents all around me ….

I didn’t feel alone anymore ….

My 2 final cards pulled on leaving Glastonbury and the Arimathean retreat read these words …..

Kindness …

Real change only happens when you see the old things differently …….

So my journey had started …

I was to grow up …

I was to soul search…

I was to find inner peace and live with a feeling of calm ……

ohhhh shit here we go again, that feeling was bubbling up in my being …..I was a little scared ….I was scared about the emotions I could feel if I started to dig, probe, unsettle the earth. Was it wise to poke at my past was it wise to pick at  how my life had unfolded …. That would mean facing the demons that held me in fear and sadness….

The words I left Glastonbury with and the amazing experience I had in the corridor would sit with me for another 2 years until I revisited Glastonbury…

 I had with so many emotions to deal with  …

There was no doubt that this would be a difficult time for me …

Finding myself would certainly take time, I’d buried myself so deep in pain and confusion. I really believed my soul was dead….

I had just been existing ….stumbling through life in so many areas….

Time to live consciously… time to sit up and take note …

open those eyes and take a peek at our wonderful gift … the wonderful gift of life ….. 

So was this where I would find compassion ??…..

would I be able to look at the bigger picture… past, present and future and find compassion at the end …..

hmmm I think its a work in progress …..life is a work in progress ….

lots of love kirsten xxx

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