To paint the perfect picture ….

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So how do you move on physiologically from any pain that we are scarred with ?…..

well I painted …and  here follows a wonderful story if you are interested …..

We all know that if you keep picking at a wound it will never heal, but if you leave it and you don’t clean it, it will undoubtly become infected …right??

we (carrying emotional wounds) are very much the same  with wounds in the sense that we need to clean it, deal with it thoroughly before allowing  it to heal over.

So I set about  rebuilding myself from the inside out … 

when I thought I had healed I fell apart again and so I had more work to do on myself I was going around in circles….

 The bloody wound never really got cleaned out properly and I picked at it constantly never allowing myself to heal…

 Isn’t self-sabotage great !!!….

Holding on to bad stuff really isn’t healthy you know!!!…

You won’t hang onto a fridge full of rotting food just because you had spent your only day off shopping for it….

And you wouldn’t feed the family the rotting food that was in that fridge because you had spent your precious time buying it ….

So why hang onto a rotting past?

Why hang onto thoughts that eat you up from the inside out?….

That’s the question I ask myself often and I’m bewildered that I feel like I’m over it one day, but end up at the bottom of the pit another …

So People come into your life and then they go…its natural, but for some miraculous reason I’ve been touched by special people as I’ve said in previous blogs  who have supported me …

A few have had a significant impact, they have helped in a way, I hope will come across as I would like to call a miracle from the universe….

My jigsaw pieces are becoming a bigger picture …they are all starting to fit together….

After giving birth to my daughter and styling a good old preggy belly I decided I would join one of those posh gym clubs …

I never really fitted in but the gym instructor was amazing …

A young girl similar age to myself in age called Tasha pumped us through a weekly workout making us sweat and tone. She had an amazing personality and had so much gusto, just watching her exhausted me !!!

Oh how I wished I was like her …so much energy and a huge smile ..She loved life it seemed to me that she had it all ….

Little did I know that we would meet in 2 separate situations and that would bring us extremely close, but this would happen over quite a few years …

I gave up being a gym bunny pretty promptly …I couldn’t keep up with the speed of fat burning and I giggled all the way through a yoga class, which as you can imagine was frowned upon….

I just couldn’t believe the size of the instructor’s nostrils when she breathed in, they looked like she could hoover us all up… so once I was in a state of giggling I found it hard to concentrate on the movements….it was probably a huge relief to the instructor that I never went back!!!

When I was pregnant with my son, I for the second time attended antenatal where I met a lady called Becky ….

We were to spend the younger years of our babies (my Tom and Becky’s Amy) lives together building a lovely friendship. This sadly fell apart due to the influences of intoxicating women that were in our lives, but thankfully we were able to rescue this friendship I’m happy to say …

Again another miracle perhaps as to the way it happened and I’ll fill you in on that story later   …

So this gym instructor was Becky’s cousin ….I saw her briefly at Becky’s daughters christening and nervously went to say hello …I don’t think Tasha remembered me …of course she wouldn’t !!!

 She very confidently made small talk and then excused herself to speak with her family …. It was nice to see her and I was glad I had gone to say hi  …

 Over the next few years I would ask Becky how Tasha was doing. She seemed to flit about …as mad as a hatter and always brimming with life….

I was regularly attending Becky’s Nan’s house to give her a haircut …we all called her Nanny Bubba…She’s in her 90’s now and a very capable spritely lady …

 Nanny bubba always left the door on the latch so in I strolled full of loud uplifting “hello’s “

There sat in the chair was Tasha….she had a lot on her plate her eyes full of sorrow…

We spoke about getting together to walk and talk … so after hugging and offering a few words of advice and support she headed back upstairs to sleep the day away …

Tasha didn’t leave my thoughts …

We started swimming together and often went on walks along the beach….

We talked about life, spirit, life style and of course how we could map out and follow our dreams…

Tasha was an incredible artist but had lost all confidence and although she couldn’t see her future path everyone who loved her and were close to her could see where her talent and her phycology skills could be intertwined.

I’m not convinced I did much to help her, but I do know that she had grown in confidence each time we met …

One day I was asked if I would support her by booking a place on a work shop she had devised…

We would spend a Sunday morning painting ….

Well it changed my life ….this is where I believe yet again my Mum reached out and touched my heart…

I hope you can understand why I believe I had a hug from heaven …

The room was full of people I had never met something I dreaded …

They all looked arty …

Did I ?!!! hell no …

Did I care? !! OMG of course I did …

Judging myself before I’d even picked up a paint brush and in true kirsten style I was putting myself down believing I was useless!!!

We took part in a short breathing meditation where I sat with my eyes closed wondering if I was sitting straight enough or breathing properly and wondering whether they were all watching a novice make a grand prat of herself, but we were preparing to create our masterpieces. Nobody was judging me, It was only me that was dissecting every part of myself and self-criticizing …..

Whenever would I grow up and stop this behaviour? Would I ever be clear of the ever belittling judgement of myself ….

Tasha played some beautiful music and encouraged us to use all sorts of tools to paint with ….anything could be used and we were encouraged through kind words and the beautiful music to let go and explore.

So I took my fingertips and dipped them into my palette of primary colours and smeared them over my canvas…I had no idea what colour was on which pad of the finger I just committed the paint to the canvas …..

“Oh god I’ve ruined it already!” were the words that left my mouth. I’d said it out loud for all to hear…..

Tasha assured me that nothing would ever be ruined and that we could layer and change anything…. nothing was forever …but perhaps I was to work with the notion that it was meant to be that way and it was just perfect the way it was….

Now there’s a fab way to think …don’t you think???

So midway through the session I had realized that I had painted an area of darkness to the right hand side of the painting in the 1stsection and that I unknowingly had divided my painting seamlessly into 4 sections …each representing 10 year pockets of my life ….

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In the middle of the painting was a beautiful pair of angel wings which I had created using my finger tips and filtering across the whole painting from the top left hand section was golds, oranges and reds blending to create the rays of sunshine….

This strong image reduced me to tears ….I left the room for a while as Tasha held me allowing me to sob and release ….

It was mind blowing …

I returned to the session, sat in my seat looking around at the others. Everyone was struggling in their own way it was certainly creating an energy in the room that was highly charged ….

I grabbed a water spray and distorted the paint. I dragged the paint around with sticks and rollers …

I was blending and working the paint to the rhythm of the music ….It was perfect ….what I saw evoked a feeling of love, fear and relief all rolled into one ….

 I stopped ……There was no need to do anything more so I just sat and I looked into my painting….

 You may think this odd, but I saw my whole life stretched out on this canvas, yet I don’t know how it happened…

 How did I paint this? I wasn’t consciously painting, it just evolved ….

The water had shot out causing quite a hard pattern that looked like a contemporary dancer…it was surrounded with water marks that looked like tear drops. This image sat in the 3rdsection of the painting …

This part of my life held many trials and tribulations…..I was in a deep dark hole suffering with panic, anxiety and trying to parent with the ever challenging issues that my children were dealing with this chapter of my life I called  “my shit “….

This area was representing the years between my 30’s and my 40thyear…

I had painted in the 2ndsection (the years of my 20’s) a predominant pink heart under the angle wings, but if I looked at it from another angle it looked like a baby wrapped in a swaddling blanket, but the baby was held by an angel, the same angel wings that made the angel wing image that sat in the middle of the painting. It created the arms and body and side profile of a face with long hair   ….

Could this be my mum holding her grandchildren …..showing me she was watching over them both ?

The image was soaked in the rays from the upper left corner of 4thsection …

Rays from heaven perhaps? ….

The colours leading from the darkness of the 1stsection was painful and extremely dark, almost umbilical in colour, blacks, plums, blues and reds merging together to create sad suppressive movement…

I saw this as a sign of new birth …My marriage to Chris and my moving on from my past …

As the picture moved on into the 3rdsection the colours became bolder brighter and happy in tone with a slight madness about the way the paint moved….. 

In the bottom left corner I signed my name …

I wasn’t naming myself …no surname, no full name, no mum to Naomi or Tom and no wife to Chris …just a simple black letter …. K

I sat looking at this letter …What blew my mind was the way the paint sat directly behind this letter…

There was a tiny feminine face with a beautiful neckline, a blonde chignon on the top of her head blue eyes and red lips ….to me it looked like Cinderella in her ball gown …

I was speechless…

When I was a child my Nanny had bought me a beautiful rag doll …She was Cinderella in her rags, but when you flipped her upside down and the skirt covered the poor cinders doll she was then draped in her ball attire.

This was the side I loved best …

A pale blue ball gown trimmed with silver lace and a pearl necklace resting around her neck and on the top of her head sat a beautiful tiara resting on blonde bouncing curls…..

This doll represented how I felt growing up …

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The ‘old cinders’ slaving away trying to please, but being so unfairly mistreated ….

This image in the corner of my picture blew my mind …I hadn’t consciously painted her let alone put the k over the top of this image …..  I believed it to be a sign …and if it wasn’t then hey ho ,but I found comfort in it….

At the far left hand side of the canvas the paint tailed off to a grey and then a white ….It symbolized my future …. A place of calm ….40 onwards….

It was a peaceful part of the painting …..

As the class came to a close we were able to share what we could see in our pictures …I wasn’t able to speak as the lump in my throat was swelling …I was so moved by what I could see….

Others in the group were able to share but were emotionally charged …we all left with a new insight into what was holding us back …

 Over the next few weeks I spoke in depth with my clients about my experience and sharing my canvas with them …I eventually put it up in the salon so we could all look at ….

 One evening I was talking through the images I had painted and the meaning to each section with an interested client when I stopped dead….

Over in the grey white area of the 4thsection I could see a face …in my quiet 40 and onwards part of the painting representing my future there was a familiar face …

I excused myself from the salon, bolted into the house to grab my photo albums and returning started frantically flicking through pictures in front of the client….

 I produced an image of my mum when she was bold and extremely poorly in hospital ….

She was wearing her 80’s rimmed glasses ….the same image was looking at me from the painted canvas …..her chin and the rim of her glasses and her nose were clearly visible ….everything was in perfect proportion ……My dear dear mum had come through in a painting that I had painted as part of the release from the pain of my past ….not only that but she had come through in the area where I believed I could start to grow …the last tiny white section of my canvas ……

She would always be by my side …

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Mum’s message to me when I saw greg  (refer to my time to talk blog )the clairvoyant was that she would always be by my side ….This was absolutely mind blowing and to this day anyone I show the painting to, along with a photograph sit there open mouthed…..

 … there is no doubt that she is ever present …

 I hadn’t even realized I’d painted her face at the time …I just felt relief that I had a patch of calm in this crazy painting ….

Again fate worked a miracle …I was opening my eyes ….I was no longer stuck in a box …I was looking outside the box for an answer to the why!! ….

I was finally getting the answers to the questions I was asking …I thank the day Tasha came into my life …..

But the strangest of things is the connections …This lady had insisted the help of  a man called Paul …

You’ll meet him in a another blog so watch out  ….

Again a ‘meant to be’  jigsaw piece popped into place……

The weirdness of a small town and how everyone knows everyone …

Well nearly !!!

So was it bad that I had a preggy belly?

and was the circumstances that brought tasha and I together bad ??? …

or was it weirdly good?

love kirsten xxx

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