A little while back now I found myself sobbing into my lap at my Doctors ….I am not as strong as some of you think I am ….so along side all the positives and happy times I hare with you I have to show you my vulnerable side ….otherwise I potray a wonder woman of sorts and thats not what I am …..
I had finally had enough …
Enough pain, enough gloom, enough sad thoughts enough of everything MS that was for sure …
I was beginning to feel totally consumed with desperate thoughts …what with the issues with ESA on top of the most recent swallowing problems and my left ulnar nerve reeking havoc I was feeling very down in the dumps ….
The ‘what ifs’ were back and were haunting my days as well as my nights …..
My doctor and I spoke about how desperate was desperate ….
I wasn’t sure really how to answer the Doctors question because I felt ashamed of such selfish sad thoughts, but the thoughts were there and they were very much present in the forefront of my mind….
so they needed to be tackled …
I asked him how many patients at our surgery had Multiple Sclerosis ….He thought for a moment and totted up in his head …his eyes were flitting about up in the top of his head ….
“about 10” he said …..
I was quite shocked at how few there were…
I mean …most people know someone with MS right ???
Or do people not fully understand what this neurological degenerative debilitating disease does in all its glory and confuse it with Thyroid issues ME or Fybromayalgia ….
God the conversations I’ve had with people and words applied to that awkward sentence where they want to uplift me with heart felt empathy laced with encouragement ….like
“OH I forget all the time my love …don’t worry its just our age “….
“yes I know I get blurred vision and giddiness if I stand up to quick or drink to much lol …its just our age “!!!
Its not our age ….
MS sufferers really suffer …..
I will never listen to the professionals when they point the finger at age or stress or depression ….
I should have paid more attention to the fact I knew my body better than anyone ….
There is no denying that I attended our surgery looking for help because I knew something was wrong …
I was totally out of tune …
I was running on empty …
I was stumbling from one day to the next with so many niggling issues I never really knew where to start once in the doctor’s company …..
A day in my shoes would have any of you fully understanding why I was found sobbing into my lap at the Doctors ….
So I off loaded… I cried …I picked at my finger nails …I snotted into my hanky and I looked at the doctor with pleading eyes because I had finally admitted I wasn’t coping ….
So with a referral to steps to well being and a play about with some of my drugs , I was sent on my way but, not before he shared some rather odd words….
“Kirsten ….. Will you do something for me ??
Do something for him !!! …cheeky sod …..were my thoughts ….
“Can you count 15 chimneys for me everyday please and I will see you in 4 weeks time …..”
So I stood up and turned to pick up my rucksack and answered with a “yes “….
My doctor stood quickly and shook my hand with compassion warmth and understanding ….
‘ok “I said ….. “I will count chimneys “……
He could see a rather perplexed look on my face…I mean what a weird request right !!!
“and I will tell you why next time ” he replied ……
So I started searching the sky line and have counted 15 chimneys a day ….
There really aren’t many around anymore ….and when you see one it fills you oddly with excitement !!!
I attended 1 month later and felt a lot happier than our previous appointment ….
He was happy to see me smiling and happy that the medication was working a bit better for me ….
He was happy to hear my injection treatment was settling and was pleased I seemed to have gained a little knowledge and understanding of a life with MS …..
He was keen for me to understand that I was going through a grieving process and wanted to check i with me to see where I sat emotionally …..
I asked what he meant before our meeting was over regards counting chimneys …..
“Its simple ” he said
“Keeping your eyes focused upward and outward helps you recognise that the darkness has been replaced by light…
so what do you see when you focus upwards …
You see the sky, the sunshine, the clouds, a bird or two ,a feather, peoples faces ….the list goes on ….
you see so much more than if you were looking to the floor, to your feet …
I’ve enjoyed counting chimneys and I will continue to count them …it keeps my pecker up ….even the rain hitting my face on a grey day brings me joy ….
lots of love kirsten xxx