So up pings a ‘Lerryn is going to an event’ on my Facebook ….
I’m intrigued …. can I come please ??…. was my message via text ….
Of course you can I’ll pick you up at 6.30pm… came the response ……
So that evening, tummy doing somersaults and a suppressed panic attack festering, I walked into a room in a local hotel on our cliff top in Bournemouth.
I was greeted by an extremely tall curly ginger haired giant …
you see my Chris is only 5 foot 3 …Paul must have been well over 6 foot …….
It was extremely quiet in this room Almost library quiet but it felt comfortable …that sort of calming you get in some churches …It was really quite an unusual feeling considering it was the start of the holiday season and we were in a buzzing hotel in a tiny conference room …..
I sat down on a chair next to Lerryn and was handed a clip board with paper and a pen ….As The room filled up (it was a little glass room off of the bar area draped in silver voile drapes ) the low hmm of chatter stopped as Paul welcomed everybody …..
I could have exploded my shit all over the walls right there in that moment but I held it together for at least another hour lol….
It was weird how this group of people (obviously likeminded) seemed to have the power to pull out your life story from within …to expose my fears …..
Or was it just the right time ?…..Was it the right time for me to unfold my wings and fly …
The first few weeks I attended were eye opening …I’d only ever meditated over that weekend in Glastonbury so here I was again sat with my eyes shut balanced on my chair listening to others deep breathing, the odd cough or scratch going on as people got themselves comfortable……
Heart tribe had begun …The meditation was guided and I was shocked where I went whilst drifting with my thoughts … I just seemed to flit from one random thought to another as the music and Paul’s voice slowly took us on a journey into our subconscious …
Over three powerful and hugely significant sessions I was taken on an epic journey and I really need to share parts of this with you as this was the final piece to my jigsaw …after that i was to grow my wings and fly ….lol
The first week I learnt about Deservability
I look back now over my notes …
Hmmm…. what did I learn about deserving when I was growing up?
What did you have to do to deserve love?
What did you have to do to deserve things?
As an adult how have your child hood messages helped or hindered you in achieving what you want?
What do you deserve now? will you ever be good enough?
I scribbled down a few pointers ….
I didn’t ever feel deserving….
I’d already reached the conclusion that I couldn’t be loved by my father as he was busy forging his new life and I reminded him of his past life ….I also thought that I had so much love from my mum’s family that life became difficult for me and my sister ….but I wrote in my notes that my childhood messages have helped to raise my children in a loving and supportive environment…. I wasn’t going to raise them as I had been raised after losing My Mum …
However, being or trying to be what I thought my mum would have been had hindered me I think and stressed me out loads …
I deserved peace and yes I did think I was good enough 2 things that were repeated over and over a poignant message was coming through ……..
Well that session I was a little teary to say the least …We were encouraged to share what we had written or had seen in meditation and I bravely spilled a little of my guts ….Well actually I blew my shit out in a massive bumble of tearfulness….
I had lost my mum when I was 10 and I was at heart tribe to find peace those were my words…
I certainly left feeling very confused It seemed to be that I was an extremely mixed up lady … but I was to push on through a few more sessions and slowly I could see my life unfolding before me …..
A couple of the guided meditations were truly amazing… the power of our subconscious is literally mind blowing ….
One particular mediation that I hold close to my heart went like this ….
We were taken into a jungle …my journey was very easy. I wasn’t hacking it down …it was done very gently … It was more that I was picking my way through the dense greenery.
In the centre of the jungle was a clearing …. In this clearing was everything I’d ever wanted …..
There wasn’t anything materialistic in my clearing and there was nobody else there with me ….
There where birds and giant green leaves and water droplets everywhere…it was beautiful…it was peaceful…
when I was encouraged to gather up all my “everything I’d ever wanted “and leave I had nothing to gather up …
just a feeling ….
I left with a sense of happiness a feeling of peace ….I was wearing a huge smile because I had achieved entering this jungle entering the unknown and finding the middle clearing …..
With my heart pounding in my chest as I sat waiting for Paul to offer me the chance to share I popped a rescue remedy pastille into my mouth…..I then shared my meditation with the group again …
Paul looked intently at me and insisted on stopping me after I had explained that I picked my way gently through the jungle …he said “why did you think you needed to be so careful walking through your jungle …..
I wasn’t too sure what he meant …
“did you come to any harm ? did you meet anyone on your journey ? “
he continued “so this is the way I see it” ….
“picking through your life jungle without destroying anything and trying not to make a nuisance of yourself and trying not to get noticed is all child forming habits …
We can work on these for you over the next few weeks ……your jungle is your unconscious path through life …..and centre was your conscience … this is where you found your peace the peace you’ve been looking for!!“……
He smiled at me…. a massive great big grin and then he moved onto my dear friend Claire …. I felt I could trust this chap to take me through whatever was necessary to clear my head of such bad beliefs…..
Paul on another week worked on being perfect …we were to draw ourselves as a child but with our less dominant hand ….
But we needed to be between the ages of 5 and 7 …..
We were encouraged to think about what age we became unacceptable….
when did we first hear that we weren’t good enough …in any aspect of our lives …home school gym club dance? ….that got me thinking big time ….
what did I love I loved dancing and swimming …I was good at that …
I hated maths…oh my Dad would thump the table and growl at me …I must have really frustrated him ….
I hated being alone it scared me ….I felt afraid ,alone, confused …
So back in the closing mediation of that particular session My inner child was telling me to live life fully and trust that all would be ok ….
so I started to listen ….I started to unpick my life …I was finally able to give back to others their ‘shit’ and it was starting to leave me feeling very enlightened …just one problem ….to be totally free of my pain it seemed through love I would be able to forgive …….
my time in tribe has opened my eyes and given me a safe place to think and work through ‘my stuff ‘ a group of people who encourage support and love …..
do you have a tribe to turn too it may be priceless if you can find one ..???
I have another emotional paul story that i will post very soon so do tap back in to see how my healing took place over a weekend…..it was powerful stuff …..
love kirsten xxx