I booked myself onto a heal your life workshop with Paul about 6 months on from joining heart tribe…..
I would embark on the ultimate weekend of hell and healing ….and wow it didn’t
I was at a point in my life where making a table tent to hide in would have been more appropriate…
Like I did as a kid….
My pockets full of pegs and all the blankets you could find.
Ohhh and all the sofa cushions dragged from the front room using them as stepping stones whilst dodging the crocodiles that hid in the depths of the carpet swamp….
But going back to my childhood hurt……
I’m not sure how many boxes of tissues we went through that weekend …I reckon we could have built a tower of tissue boxes to hide in at one point ….
I didn’t really know anyone on the workshop ….
Laine, Lerryn’s friend was attending and through the process we got to know each other very well …She’s now official my ‘hug buddy’ and I class her as a very close friend now…
Again through a number of meditations and amazing wording I picked my way through my messy past and let go of nearly everything……
I know hearing the words of a song on loop blew my mind ‘doors opening doors closing’…..I can still hear the song in my head and often go back to this simple sentence…..
We were encourage to think of something that made us happy a symbol to draw on to lift us …mine was the moment last year on my paddle board when I saw 2 kingfishers darting amongst the willow branches right in front of me….it was breathtaking…..
Goodness if I listed everything we did over the 2 days it would be another book so …I will explain two of the most significant parts of the weekend for me ….
One was letter writing to myself …..
I came to rest on a sense of calm and peace once I had released all my pain and laid my baggage bear I literally gave myself permission to beat the hell out of my life…..
The second amazing spine tingling experience happened as I spoke the words I wanted to say to some of family members. This was confronting my Step mum and asking her the why question ….I was also able to ask the same question to my Dad …..The people on this course had no idea of the history, but they were encouraged to answer the questions as they saw fit .
It was amazing how on point their answers were …but the biggest affect was made when I choose to ask my Mum “why……”
That was all I managed to squeak out of my mouth with tears falling …
I wanted to ask why she had to die and if she was proud of me that’s what should have left my lips…
The lady who played my mother’s role took my hands and closed her eyes she stayed silent for a little while and then said …..
I am so sorry my love, but I closed my eyes and couldn’t get back to you …..I love you and I’m so very proud of the person you have become …I will always be by your side …..
She had tears rolling down her face as she spoke…. our eyes were glued to each other …I was crying but silently the tears staining my face as they fell …The room was silent …you could have heard a pin drop ….I didn’t need to say anything else nor did she …
It was one of the weirdest yet most amazing moments and totally exhausting I must add…..
Paul said he had goose bumps…. It was a very precious and whole heartedly healing moment …..
Little did I know how powerful that sentence was and how its true meaning would bubble up through what was due to happen to me in the oncoming year …. The emotion in the spoken words had an amazing effect on myself and everyone else in the room that Saturday afternoon …
I was able to rest easy knowing her words were definitely spoken through truth …
My horrendous belief system in myself had been crushed, I was no longer going to sit as a victim to my past….easier said than done I will add !!
I learnt that day that I was loved …I was wanted … that weekend would change the way I thought about myself for the rest of my life…..
As I sat on the cliff top under a big twisted old tree just outside the hotel and wrote myself a letter and I vowed to start afresh ….
I had realized that I deserved to be happy ….for goodness sake I am in my 4th decade …my 50’s are rolling in ….
And that’s where the journey had started with Paul …. Back on the day I felt I could have exploded my shit all over the walls !!!…….’Deserverability’ hey…..
gets you thinking right !!! …….
Paul was introduced to me by dearest Lerryn ..she always says she doesn’t know why she was drawn to attended heart tribe … besides the fact she’s grown a huge amount through working on herself she has introduced me to someone who along with a handful of special people has considerably changed my life ….
Paul has the ability to take a broken soul and mend it ….he has given us the tools to enable us to work on ourselves he has given people strength to see that we can open up those wounds, the wounds of life that are still deeply infected and clean them out good and proper …I never realized though that Love would be the key …
and this was the element that I would still need to work on …..
And so that chat with my Step mum took place …..a month before Christmas and I thought we may have made some positive honest moves forward and then I ended up in hospital …..
guess when things big happen you get to see things in a different light ….
lots of love kirsten xxx