My tool box for dealing with life is brimming…. is yours ??

My tool box holds many tools hypothetically speaking and one tool are these words….

“I love myself “…

Yep that’s right I did say that loud and clear because amongst the suffering and heartache I had lost the ability to love myself …..but I didn’t know I had fallen out of love with myself lol …if that makes sense……..

This Is a new tool recently added ,but how I found the strength to say those words will be another blog to follow another time and I mustn’t (just as I’ve started writing) in true kirsten style go off on a tangent with crappy waffle oozing out of my ears…

So I’ll keep on track!!!!

Sometimes on this journey of living you will sit back and find yourself thinking or screaming or asking this question in desperation …

“FOR GODS SAKE WHY ” ???

“Why is this happening to them, why is this happening to me, why has this happened to the family” …

In fact it’s a question I try not to ask anymore because it just f***s your head up to be quite frank ……

You could be screaming out in physical pain or hiding from the world because of an emotional pain you may have carried around with you for years….

It could be that something has only just recently happened….

whichever way the one little ‘why’ word can hold so much pain…It does my head in …

n fact is it responsible for the damage in my head …well theres a question….lol

Well the ‘why word’ really held me down trapped in headspace full of grief and pain…

It ruled my world….

I believe now that asking that question left me vulnerable and full of fear…..

But if you don’t shout it out so aggressively or in a tone soaked pitifully in self pity you can may actually start to see the bigger picture…

you may just find the “why” question can be answered.

I suppose for me it was allowing myself not to be the victim to my past anymore….christ that was a biggy !!!!

As life passes you by things slot into place …

things start to make sense….

I’ve learnt that If I allow myself to open my eyes and most importantly my heart I will find the answers.

It really is that simple, yet extremely hard…..

ten steps forward ….

2 steps back …

one step forward …

1000 steps back …

It was nuts and I kind of guess many of you have been there before too……

I thought the only way to protect myself from my past was to bury it and bury it deep, yet time and time again for some bloody reason or another it would bubble up causing me so much misery, anguish ,pain and utter devastation to my mental state ….

I always seemed to look backwards …

a very scary place to keep revisiting ….It was so unhealthy and such a waste of our valuable time ….

I mean come on …would you holiday year in ,year out at the place you class as your worst holiday destination ever…..

My past would bubble up causing Hours of tears, years of heartbreak and hundreds of words were wasted as they fell on deaf ears or they rolled about in my headspace attacking all the good ,happy thoughts I possessed.

You can spend years looking for answers but…

hello there ….

you probably have known the answers all along …

So when you realise you have the answers its about setting to task and processing them that makes or breaks you ..

The easiest way to bury pain I found was to blame other people…..

oh hell yeah …its everybody else fault ……

I found myself holding onto my anger ….their anger …

Anger deep down in my belly it had eaten me up from the inside out, destroying my spirit and drowning my soul.

I was like a moaning myrtle …..

I was vulnerable I was afraid and I had lost all my self-worth.

But the universe works in mysterious ways right?

Most of the time you will get an answer, but only when the universe knows you are ready to accept the knowledge whole heartedly.

It will be at the most unexpected time and normally when you aren’t looking for it….

BOOM out of the blue a bolt of lightning hits hypothetically speaking ….

You take notice …..

You take it all in.

It made me giddy, it consumed my thoughts….

It was time I allowed the healing process to start and if I didn’t I stood a good chance of screwing up my life ….

If you are truly ready to learn from life’s lessons then you will find that you have been given precious time for healing and valuable time for reflection.

You will know it’s the right time to question your thought processes and this is because you won’t be looking to lay blame on a person or a situation anymore….

Slowly you will notice that the anger has passed…..

Giving yourself time to process with your eyes wide open and a level head will give you an amazing opportunity for personal growth.

In turn you will find yourself no longer looking like a victim to your past. you are worth so much more than that……

Now I’m not saying it’s easy mind and sometimes I still back peddle which is bloody stupid waste of time ……

But at some point you will notice a new pathway ahead and your journey will take you forward …

There is no twist in the path that leads you back to the familiar feeling of pain and suffering….it’s a pathway where you can look ahead and it’s a pathway that no longer hurts you.

You must have faith in your ability and you must believe that you are deserving of all that is good …..

You’ll have started the hard work in healing yourself ,though you may not have realized it…..

It happened when you first started to question why ….

Those brambles that blocked your way and held you back will have been cut back.

The path you chose to follow will have been cleared from all the debris, past and present and it’s this pathway that holds the key to your happiness…..

Nobody can own the fact that they have helped you clear it and you can’t put people on a pedestal and idolize their ability to heal you.

They may have given you some tools or opened your eyes to situations in a different light but inevitably you have to do it by yourself and for yourself……

Some people who have been present in your life will have played a part in healing your soul and some of those people will have sadly hurt you thorough their behaviours or their words .

Some circumstances or events in your life will have ripped you apart breaking your heart into a thousand pieces,but they too will have played a part in making you who you decide you want to become.

Its life I’m afraid …

I had to realize what path a wanted to tread and that I deserved to tread a path of peace.

Everyone deserves to tread a peaceful pathway …..

And that is exactly what has happened to me ….

I wanted Calm ….

I wanted peace ….

The words “I want peace” were the first words I spoke after bumbling a mess of words through tears at heart tribe……

Even though right now I can and will indulge in self-pity and I can and I will throw the “why” question around in a violent manner,it is now short lived and my tools to cope with my situation sit firmly in place…

My emotional tool box is forever changing, but it’s always full of things to keep me afloat….

What does your emotional tool box hold ?

love kirsten xx

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