You’ve got a nerve !!!

Mountains or mole hills…

MS feels like an uphill daily struggle ….I certainly don’t make mountains out of molehills ….MS does that all by itself …

Some days I just sit at the base of these hills large or small wondering if it is worth the struggle to get up there at all and what the hell would I achieve if I did ??….

I do however find myself grateful to see another day and another and another ….

I wander my path in a daze most days but with a smile slapped across my face because i don’t like crying …..

sounds dramatic right ???

I know people are fighting for their lives against bigger beasts than me and my MS …

But is MS up there with the biggies. ??? ..

I read that MS is the so called cancer for white cells ….

A slow and painful entrapment …

A struggle with almost every part of your body …

A (F)mucked up immune system on attack chomping away at the myelin protecting every nerve in our bodies taking away bit by bit our abilities ……

When my diagnosis was laid out on the table with all the facts and scans there in black and white with my neurologist I was so relieved to know “it” had a name ….

I had a label ……yay 😖😖!!!!

God… so many questions and upsets and odd experiences finally made sense…..

What I didn’t really give thought to was my future with my beast of a disease because I thought anything was treatable and all illnesses and diseases stood a good chance of a treatment working ….

I always said if I had a fighting chance of getting better then that would be better than living half dead ….

but I wonder whether I am not deserving enough to be able to fight ….

I am just up against a clock …a ticking time bomb that just keeps exploding over and over again….pushing away at the old nerve buttons …

Ms makes life really difficult …..

but not impossible …

Well impossible I’m sure will come but I will cross that bridge when I come to it …

I sit here thinking about how I feel because that bridge seems a little too close somedays ….I don’t do heights ,I don’t do rope bridges and I don’t do brave very well either ……

Am living half dead ?? well thats a question !!

It feels like it most days ….

The hours tick away …

I see the sunrise as a blessing….. to see another day as capable as MS will let me be ….

Adjusting ,resting and negotiating is my daily pattern …..

My nerves love to shout out loud like a cockerel .

The minute my eyes open I scan my body for pins and needles or pain or numbness …

my eyes…are they ok ??

can I see properly ?? …..hmmmm my tongue and mouth do they feel ok ??

cockadoodle doo …. “bowels aren’t working” …

cockadoodle doo ” balance is shot ”

cockadoodle doo “fatigue and cog fog haven’t budged since yesterday” …….

and they continue to bloody cock a doodle doo on any given day of their choice….

The clear message sounding out is that Yes I am living half dead …

I try to reach a compromise within my body ….(a dead set challenge somedays but necessary to feel a little in control )…..

So what has my attention at the moment and why ….

The vagus nerve … my god i never knew I would ever be looking such things up ….

Its a long and wandering nerve (vagus means wandering in latin …clever me hey !! and the longest of 12 main nerves in the body. )…..

I don’t wander I stumble as you know ,but I do it with a smile ,sod the embarrassment !!!

Me and the floor and walls have got to know each other quite well now !!! The kind of stumbling i miss used to happen in night clubs or on the stumble home from the pub……I now do it stone cold sober I’m a cheap date on water and the need for bed by 9pm makes me a rubbish date !!!

The word wandering sounds somewhat romantic ,charming ,almost enchanting …!!

so here i go off in a daze …..

willow trees and a babbling brook …

wild flowers and the smell of a summers day hangs in the air …

I am wandering along an idyllic path, a place I often visit in my day dreams…

its beautiful…..

so peaceful ….

thats the kind of wander I like ….

but back to that all important Vagus nerve …

It wanders through the body touching nearly every organ….

Its job to monitor and update as it goes….

Heart rate, digestion, breathing, and more…. all the things you seldom give thought to, and if something is wrong its the first to know…

It gets busy sending messages to the brain …..

The vagus nerve keeps an “eye” on all your organs ….. and at night ….well its easy to explain it like a little night watchman sitting up tis morning making sure your body functions right ….especially your breathing …….

So why the obsession with this nerve ….

On a Wednesday night in Feb I had been snuggled down about 20 minutes …My hubby sat watching tv in bed as we never go to bed without each other witnessed a struggle ….

I lurched forward fighting with my own body …..

like a fish out of water I found myself gasping for every breath …my body heavy to move and my lungs on fire …

My panic overwhelming as I realised I wasn’t able to get enough air …in fact no air ….

I found myself in the bathroom hanging over the basin, Chris is now by my side concerned and unsure as to how he could help ….the noise as I tried desperately to get air in my lungs was awful …

panic and confusion took hold of me…..

It’s also happened in March. …..so I have had all the bloods taken and the chest xray and goodness knows how many breathing tests to rule out respiratory issues ….

There were no issues ,so the vagus nerve wins ……I do know my own body you know !!! But I did as the Ms team requested …

so Another fun symptom to deal with along clocking up several processes to rule out anything else this could be before the MS beast takes responsibility …

They call it central sleep apnea ..I call it a bloody right royal pain in the arse !!! So with all other causes ruled out let’s get a coping strategy put in place because with MS its about dealing with rather than recovering from …..

so…. MS HAS A BLOODY NERVE but I am half way up the
mountain and not prepared to head back down just yet …..I will keep pushing through

for any others out there reading this blog who have similar issues …keep that chin up and keep pushing forward …..keep your light shining ….

love and light kirsten xxx

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2 thoughts on “You’ve got a nerve !!!

  1. So much inspiration and information in this blog. It is amazing that we never get to know our body’s until they start breaking down. Much love to you. Xxx

    Like

  2. Absolutely love your blogs Kirsten. You are definitely living a full and meaningful life full of laughter, love and passion for life.

    Like

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