Hard times when December fall upon me ….for the obvious and not so obvious……
We are all busy buying wrapping organising and enjoying the hub bub of the festivities that take place on the up and coming days of December. ….
I never thought of a christmas without my mum ….but this year I will have navigated 35 of them……and I always have a quiet moment to remember my mum ……
35 years without a hug on Christmas day …35 years of planning organising and coping on my own…..35 years of finding that jolly spirit and trying to find that smile ….35 years of one quiet moment when i woke on christmas morning ….
And 35 years of remembering that last christmas where we were so blessed to have her with us but were unaware there would never be another christmas day with her ….
My last Christmas was tainted with sadness as mum was very poorly ..she managed the day incredibly well now I look back as an adult …she smiled as she watched us with a happy heart opening our presents…
The evening of dancing to abba on the record player did or didnt happen …I cant remember but I know that every year on boxing day the ABBA dancing took place with a mixture of happiness and heavy hearts the papworths encouraging us to remember the happier times ..
All these years later and the music still sparks memories and with the marriage of our daughter 2 weeks ago the abba medley had a number of dancers shaking their tail feathers and throwing some incredible moves across the dance floor ..
I found myself in the arms of my sister I needed to be jigging with her ….how could we not …I mean we do it so well ……
we were singing our hearts out together wrapped up in unspoken words …. and then something happened that made my night .. .
my uncle and my auntie joined us and finally my daughter ….a United circle of remembrance pride love ..
we sang together hands held firm and tear stained faces not one pair of dry eyes in sight …..
It was a precious moment shared between 3 generations …..
That day I realised she was ever present …
my mum was always with us and in fact I havent done 35 years on my own not by a long way ….
Sometimes when I’m lonely and I think of my mum it hurts so bad…. there is so much pain ,sorrow and grief for I would do anything to feel her warm embrace …..
but I felt it on the dance floor …I felt that familiar love embracing all of us …her brother sister daughters and her granddaughter caught in an amazing moment, an indulgent comfortable moment where life didnt feel so bad …….the gift of family is what she gave me and with that gift comes love…….
Thanks mum ….happy christmas …..