Tic Tac Toe…..

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Tic tac toe …

nobody would ever know ….

This pain inside my body ….

The fear I hate to show ….

I fumble through my daytime and I’m restless through the night…

I Fear the sun when rising in case I get that fright ….

You see …..

The day my life went pear shaped ,

The day I lost control…

Will haunt my soul forever ……..

T’was like a horror show….

The nurse she said “ don’t worry ”

And I just cried a lot ….

I couldn’t feel my fingers, and i felt like I’d smoked pot !!!

My balance was horrendous and my bladder that stopped working ….

my speech was utter rubbish and my words…. hmmm they were shirking….

Dazed confused and frightened I bumbled through each day…

The f word was my favourite word….. a stroke test done as I lay …..

the only word that I could find that began with f was f*** …

embarrassed was an understatement..

It was such bad f***ing luck !!! …..

and the clock face that was a jumble and I couldn’t draw a circle….

I couldnt draw a square you know ….

And the house well …. door check… walls check ….what’s a window ???

I felt so very silly ….i couldn’t understand …i knew I knew the answers but I couldn’t put them down ….

The doctor came on Wednesday…..crikes… that was 6 whole days …..

Six days since they came to tell me “could be a tumour in your brain ….

or perhaps a massive stroke you know”…..

well I just went insane !!!…

“We’ll contact the neurologist, he can take a look ….

then we can get you treated “…..

by now my legs…. they shook….

My body was in shut down mode and everything was wrong ….

The only thing that had me laughing was the lyrics from a song …

The song played out so loudly as I laughed and sang along ….

I will walk 500 miles….ironically was the song ….

In the crazy days that followed with loads of tests and cruel discomfort

Tears and tragic thinking and people there to comfort ….

I changed my thoughts completely as the symptom’s started linking …

Steroids drip fed into me to stop me from completely sinking…

The doctor was dead certain that MS must be the reason …..

The reason I had fallen, the reason I was broken….the reason why my world had changed …..a massive bloody lesion …….

The mri it scared me ….but it must become my friend ….

Its whirring noise and  violent shaking, knowledge it had to send ….

Inside my head they sparkled.. lit up like a Christmas tree…

the lesions twinkling brightly… a sight I begged to see ….

I saw the scan in 3d…

my brain cut into pieces

The fear inside was horrid …realisation was increasing….

I knew my life was changing, I knew that I was scared…

I knew that this was serious…

could I possibly be repaired ????

Would my life go back to Friday, when I was busy living life???

Could I be that friend you knew …the mother and the wife???

So tic tac toe ….now I have my go….

to make a move and take my turn, new seeds I have to sow …

For life is ever changing and MS I have to bare ….

but I can fight the good fight and make you all aware,

Aware that life is precious  and can leave you feeling shaken…

The life you thought you knew for you could be very easily taken ..

Life is worth the slogging and worth the brutal fight ….

I have a life worth living and that i’ll keep in sight …

Ms it won’t define me …and yes my life has changed….

but happening so dramatically ……..well that was so very strange ….

I wonder why I deserve this and the reason is just this …

That life is a soul journey and we must face the great abyss…

So from a difficult situation that brought trouble and destruction…

it came with a clear message and my goodness a load of reconstruction…..

We are now 3 years on you know and things …well they are rumbling…

My bowels are such a nightmare and my body keeps on tumbling ….

I never managed the ‘return to work’ a job I sadly miss…

I couldn’t drive for 18 months and it all just fell to Chris. …

Freedom was not an option and really made me sad ….

The road i found myself on was driving me so mad ….

So back to tic tac toe and stepping forward to take my go …..

its time to take some action…..and get on with this show !!!!!!!

Injecting every wednesday…

And pill popping like a junky…..

My words ,my bowels ,my balance and pain can make me really grumpy …

I fumble through my daytime and the nights can be so long….

The pain I feel is endless …

But I’m learning to stay strong ….

The doctors, nurse and physios they try to help me cope…

They give me medical attention and they fill my heart with hope …..

My family friends and loved ones…well some have stayed and some have gone . .

The road I have to travel …they didn’t want to come  along…

I need alot of loving and lots of positivity…

I try to keep me busy ,trying any activity ….

My story is my being …it makes me who I am ….

Ms it wont define …but is my life a sham??

I swim around in circles and I think I am a doctor. ..

I trundle through the internet linking symptoms with my abductor….

Ms…. it is quite brutal ,a tragic diagnosis …

But I am a warrior woman and I’m fighting multiple sclerosis …….

So tic tac toe ……..why do I feel so low …

ms has actually freed me from the ‘normal human show’ …

I live for every moment and my eyes are open wide …

Life has got new meaning…and I no longer want hide …..

I walk when ms will let me… And I swim in wild waters …

I sit and take in scenery and spend time with extended family hubby son and daughter …..

Life ….it is worth living and it is really worth that fight ……I’ll keep what I am learning clearly in my sight …

I will keep on going… I will keep on pushing forward

It really is that easy……

it really is straightforward……

So if you see me living and out there having fun …remember what I’m going through and why I’m on the run …

It may look really rosy and life can look  good fun ….

a joyous ,crazy constant frenzy … with  (for me) an exhausting outcome !!

But some time soon…..

and with no prior warning…..

the symptoms turning up a notch a new way of life is dawning ….

the journey will change direction and Ms will be hard hitting …..

The day will sadly come you know when in the wheelchair you’ll find me sitting …..

Love and light

Kirsten xxxxx

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1 thought on “Tic Tac Toe…..

  1. Wow, just wow. Xxx live and light. Xx

    Like

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