Scared of the dark …

” Turn up the music chris I love steps “….I’m not scared of the dark …..are the lyrics”don’t turn out the lights ….don’t let the darkness come to haunt me …shadows may creep up on me …but I will never be scared of the dark” …..Hmmmm…. steps…..great lyrics guys but bloody hell…..prod prod prod …..remember Kirsten…do u remember???I’m flooded with memories ….The memories are swirling about in my head …”In your arms I will never be scared of the dark ” …..But who’s arms ??? Who’s arms did I run too??where could I go in the darkest depths of the night ….”Mummmmmm” I shout in my head ….”I’m scared “……I whisper into the bed linen….I’m 10 years old and alone in my bed … and I’m afraid….I’m really scared .It took me a long time to heal that fear …It took me a life time to be able to gaze into a dark space and not feel that old familiar ,spine tingling omfg feeling ……some researchers consider being scared of the dark as a manisfacation of separation anxiety ….Well that explains alot…..Lying in my bed(I’m 10 11 12 13 14 years old …my sheets are heavy on my chest…my heart is in my mouth… it is pounding so hard I thought it could be heard from the other room .And my breathe, well that was almost no existent as I lay afraid to move …Who’s there ??A visitor in my room ??…a ghost ?? I couldnt look …shadows falling against my wall …its so quiet yet my head…. so noisy….I reach out to touch the wall that my bed is pushed up against with my fingertips but it’s like I’m reaching into an abyss …the wall seems to be so far away .. I tuck my fingers back inside the sheets and close my eyes….go to sleep… go to sleep go to sleep….I was quite a chicken as a kid …..I was afraid of the darliks…I hid behind the sofa …I was afraid of spiders…got my parents to deal with them …I was Afraid of so many things ……So how did I get so brave ??I’m an adult now and sometimes not so brave but I try not to show it ..fear is a manmade emotion sometimes passed on to us by others ….habit forming behaviour….So …A spider …its me that the kids call for …A trip out to the car in the dark …its me that goes …The walk to the toilet block on camp …its me that takes the kids walking in first to activate the lights and encouraging them with positive chit chat …To be honest I’m still scared but I cant let fear show …My mum’s bravery …her strong will to fight cancer is all I remember over the many months of treatment and isolation …I never saw her cry .. her courage and strength was all she allowed us to see …Maybe that’s my motivation …The gift she left me was the strength to fight smile and live for every moment … there is no point in being afraid although those words are easy to say and harder to practise ..I guess the starting point to feeling brave is acceptance of a situation and then trusting in the journey and hoping you can muster up the courage to keep going ….I’m not scared of the dark anymore …I can walk across a field in darkness with no fear of the vampires from lost boys swooping in for a kill as the wind picks up ….(god I was scared for months after watching that)I’m no longer scared of spiders like the aracnophobia movie that I watched in the old cinema when anything touched my leg had me leaping from my seat ….I’m no longer afraid …hang on…. yep I am still a little edgy when Chris sings 1 2 freddy’s coming for you !!Ohhh and candyman …i got Chris to cover our bedroom mirror as the reflection of our bedroom door put me on edge and i was a married young adult!!! ….i still dont think I’ve ever said candyman 3 times into a mirror…..lol ….And I dont really watch alot of news or any horror movies as it gets all the wrong kinda fear adrenaline going inside of me….I live a calmer life ….I look for rainbows…I take joy from strolling in Woodlands and I love water . ..There is no need to be afraid of the dark …because in that darkness your light will shine brightest …..and i like the thought of that …..Love and light Kirsten xxxx

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